


Insecurities

by mthevlamister



Series: Everything about you is so beautiful [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: And he needs therapy, Angst, He needs support, He's also depressed, I Don't Even Know, I have no ideas, I should take a shower and eat before the day flails at me like a monster, I'm bored, Jeremy can't fucking feel any emotions, Jeremy has crippling anxiety, Like a lot of issues, Like love can't fix this, Like this boy has a shit ton of problems, M/M, but I kinda want to stay in bed, guys this isn't romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 17:53:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11856633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mthevlamister/pseuds/mthevlamister
Summary: It wasn't even the fact he was without a SQUIP. It wasn't really the SQUIP that did this to him either, he was just awful. The hatred, the fear, the disgust, they were all there. The SQUIP just helped him see this, or so he told himself. The SQUIP was right, he was a slob, terrible, awful, deserved to die. He broke Christine's heart, he slept his way to her just to leave her for Michael. He left Michael, he ignored his friends at certain points, some days he didn't show up to play rehearsal because the SQUIP would feed him his lines. He was just some kid who knew nothing about the real world and he didn't have much to be sad about.Or:How does one help his depressed boyfriend?





	Insecurities

**Author's Note:**

> This is for my wonderful boyf, Richard Goranski. Richard, I love you, you're just so--oh, wait wrong person. Crap, um, this is for my girlfriend again. I'm debating killing the boyf riends to annoy her but I'll probably get broken up with so nevermind! I got her a stuffed animal moose and she named him Michael so now we need another one so Michael can have a best friend.

"You okay?" 

"No." 

"Want to talk?" 

"No." 

"Want me to stay?" 

"No." 

"Want me to leave." 

"No."

Michael sighed as he looked at his boyfriend who was curled in bed, sniffling. "Want me to cuddle with you?" 

"No." Jeremy's voice was small. 

"Why?" 

"I-I-I'm just so terrible, a-and you deserve s-s-so much more! I-I want to be the best but I-I can't. I'm so scared Michael, I'm so scared! W-w-what if the SQUIP wa-was right? What if e-everything about me is terrible? N-not what, e-everything about me IS terrible. D-do I make y-you want to die Michael? D-do I do that? You can be honest, w-we're best friends and b-boyfriends. A-am I annoying? Am I awful? I-I am, I know t-that already b-but what do y-you think? Be b-brutal." Jeremy was shaking, tears spilling from his eyes. He hugged his pillow, waiting for Michael's answer, but nothing came. When Jeremy looked up Michael was nowhere to be found, which made everything worse. Jeremy let out a sob that was hidden in his throat, the tears wouldn't stop at this point. Michael didn't even answer his doubts, he just left. Jeremy fell back on the bed, feeling numb. The tears kept dripping but there was no feeling, his fear was washed away; he wasn't angry or sad or in denial. 

He was depressed. 

Michael was still gone and Jeremy was still in his bed, not moving. He was thinking about how pointless everything was when he was like this. He heard the door open and close but he didn't bother looking up, a person came into view with a book in hand. 

It was Michael. 

With a journal. 

"Jer, I know you're very upset right now. I need you to write in this book, okay? Write everything you're feeling, alright? Can you sit up for me, Jer?" Michael asked, his voice soft and calm. Jeremy made a noise, keeping his gaze away from Michael's face. "Jer, come on. Look at me, come on." Jeremy glanced at Michael, he looked scared and distressed. The worst part was that Jeremy couldn't feel bad for him.

Jeremy couldn't feel anything. 

"Jer, please?" Michael whispered, tearing up. Jeremy stared blankly at him before sitting up and taking the journal. He didn't start writing, he just stared at it. It felt like there was too much pressure to even write a letter, let alone what he felt. He could write pages and pages of how he wanted to feel happy like he did the day before, he wanted to feel scared like he did twenty minutes ago, he wanted to feel. Michael smiled, kissing Jeremy's cheek before taking off his headphones and placing them on his desk. "I'm going to talk to your dad for one second, okay? I'm leaving these here as proof I'll be back, alright?" Michael waited until Jeremy nodded before leaving. Jeremy stared at the journal, unsure how to start writing. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know if he even wanted to do it. He didn't want to do anything except sleep and stay asleep for awhile. There was no point in getting up, there was no point in writing. Jeremy collapsed in bed, closing his eyes. He stayed like that for who knows how long, unable to sleep. It sucked, it really really sucked. He finally figured out what it was like for his dad, he didn't want to be a boyfriend as his dad didn't want to be a father. He loved Michael more than anything, but he truly hated himself. 

It wasn't even the fact he was without a SQUIP. It wasn't really the SQUIP that did this to him either, he was just awful. The hatred, the fear, the disgust, they were all there. The SQUIP just helped him see this, or so he told himself. The SQUIP was right, he was a slob, terrible, awful, deserved to die. He broke Christine's heart, he slept his way to her just to leave her for Michael. He left Michael, he ignored his friends at certain points, some days he didn't show up to play rehearsal because the SQUIP would feed him his lines. He was just some kid who knew nothing about the real world and he didn't have much to be sad about. People told him that, they said people had it worse, he should be happy. Who cares if his mom left? He still had his father, some people didn't have that. He was being selfish, just laying there, not writing in the book Michael bought for him. Michael bought him something and he wasn't even using it. 

 _How disgusting._ Jeremy thought, curling up slightly. There was chatter downstairs, it was in the background for a long time but now he really heard it because it drew closer to him and he wanted to throw up or shout at the owners of the voices. He buried his face into his pillows, looking up and grabbing Michael's headphones. They were sound-blocking headphones, so he put them on and sighed. It was nice to have quiet for once, it always helped with bad days. The door opened and Jeremy's dad walked in and sat on the bed. Jeremy slowly took off the headphones he was wearing.

"Jeremy?" 

Jeremy just made a small noise again. 

"Jeremy I'm going to contact my old therapist, okay?" 

Jeremy made another noise. 

"Alright, if you need to talk Michael and I will be downstairs talking. Just come on down if you need me or him." 

One last noise before Jeremy's dad smiled weakly and closed the door behind him, leaving Jeremy alone with his thoughts. It was too much for him to handle. If he had the SQUIP it would shock him to get him out of this trance. 

It. . . 

It would shock him. 

Pain. 

Jeremy shook his head, he wasn't going to hurt himself. He couldn't do that to Michael, not now. He was doing so well, he really was. Jeremy looked at the book he was given, the journal. He sat up again, grabbing a pencil nearby his bed on the floor and he began to write. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The next day Jeremy acted like he usually did, writing helped a bit. He was relaxed and happy to get his feelings, but he seriously needed help. He knew this, he was okay with this, and Michael was smiling. 

"Tho we're rewatching 'The Thing'? In a movie theater?" Rich asked, taking a sip of his soda. "They're replaying the 1982 verthion? Michael do you jutht look for nerdy thtuff or doeth it fall upon you?" 

"I saw it in the newspaper, back off." Michael said, holding up his hands defensively. "Anyway, it got my boyf out of the house, right Jer?"

Jeremy nodded, hugging Michael's arm. 

"See, I'm getting some--" 

"MICHAEL!"

"What? It's true Jeremy?" Michael looked at Jeremy. "You're still coming over right?" 

"Yeah! To play video games!" Jeremy hissed. 

"Pfft, fucked that up Michael." Chloe snickered, eating a kernel of Brooke's popcorn. "You're not getting anything except a lecture." 

"Fuck, you're right." Michael groaned, pulling Jeremy closer. "Jer, babe, is she right? No cuddling or kissing? Is that what's happening?" 

"Exactly, maybe if the movie scares me enough I'll cuddle later." Jeremy said, rigging his own deal. Michael raised an eyebrow, knowing Jeremy got scared of anything if it was late enough. The dark sometimes made Jeremy nervous, as kids during sleepovers Jeremy would hide in Michael's arms during the night. Before he was out or sure he was male Michael would joke he was more of a man than Jeremy. Jeremy would hit his arm and fall asleep easily after that, allowing Michael to fall asleep to his breathing. So, yeah, the system was totally rigged, it's just the SQUIP Squad didn't know that. 

"Well good thing thith movie thuckth." Rich snorted. 

"How do you know? You said these movies were too bad for you to even watch the previews." Jake raised an eyebrow. "You wouldn't--" 

"I wath a nerd and I loved thith movie get off my dick! It jutht ithn't thcary!" Rich turned red, looking away. "Let'th jutht go inthide!" 

"Come on!" Christine chirped. 

They all made their way into their theater to watch it, Jeremy clinging onto Michael's arm, smiling.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

"Michael I'm scared." Jeremy said, he was in tears at Michael's house. "W-what if the thing is here?" 

"He'd be Heere." Michael teased but saw Jeremy tremble before he opened his arms, allowing Jeremy in. "Shh, it would be okay because I'd risk my life to protect you, I did it before, right? I'll do it again, just for you. I'd burn it, I'd kill it, I'd save you." 

"S-sometimes I think I'm alien, because I get so emotionless sometimes, just like those things." Jeremy whispered. 

"That's nothing like you being depressed baby. I won't burn you and let you die, why did this movie trigger this?" Michael pushed Jeremy's hair away from his face. "Why this movie?" 

"I've been thinking about it for awhile, I'm just worried you won't love me anymore. Like, not even as a friend sometimes, maybe you'll one day wake up and figure out I'm me. I'm just unsure how you can love me when I can't even love myself. Why do you love me Michael? Why do you really love me? I just need reasons, because I can say so many things about you. You're soft, you're funny, you're smart, you have the best laugh ever! Oh my gosh, Michael! I love your laugh! You're always warm for some strange reason! I really really love your voice, I like when you sing. I want to hear you sing everyday, I also want to dance with you! I love when you smile for no damn reason except for the fact you see something geeky!" Jeremy babbled, smiling as he thought of Michael. "I really love your clothes too!" 

"Well, Jeremy, if you must know I love many things about you." Michael said, sitting up and placing Jeremy on his lap. "I love your hair, your freckles, your smile, everything apperance wise--don't interrupt me Jeremy--I love all the things about your body. You're so tall and it makes me all fluttery when you lean against the wall. You were so kind when I came out as a boy, you told me we were still best friends and nothing would change that, and you asked if I was gay and when I said yes you came out as poly. You're braver than you admit, you'd gladly do something for me that you can't do for yourself, wouldn't you baby?" Jeremy gave a small nod before yawning and leaning against Michael, closing his eyes. "You are a great actor, you do wonders with the stage, you can sing too. I could fall in love ten more times hearing you sing, I will anyway, because when you're tired you yawn; Jeremy, have I ever told you how much I love your yawns? They're so small and tiny, I'd die to hear that again. You're getting really tired, huh? You get this look when you're tired, your eyes get soft and you cuddle more than often because body heat makes you happy. I want to buy you twelve stuffed animals so you can remember I care about you and cuddle with something I gave you. I think I'd rather be the one you cuddle with for the rest of your life, is that too much? I bet it is, I bet I'm being too cliche--" Michael's words were cut off by a soft snore, making him smile. "You're asleep, you also fall asleep easier if I talk to you which is the cutest thing ever. One day we'll do this every night, okay? That may be me dreaming, but some day. . . Jeremy, one day I'm going to marry you, I promise you that." 

All Jeremy could respond with was a small snore.

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes my anxiety kicks in and I get worried to text/see/call people because all I can think is 'oh god they actually hate me' and I don't think it's healthy to ignore it but I'm going to.


End file.
